Category Archives: Jibber Jabber

All that fits nowhere else.

You Need Steroids


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January 2, 2018 · 20:43

Dear Boredom, It’s not fucking Margaret

Okay, so what happens when you get a really idiotic car project in good working order is this:  boredom.  Maybe it’s something like getting through your first pregnancy, if pregnancy lasted two years.  Really, it’s probably not like that, (at least) if you can’t take the term pregnant to mean anything but carrying a future child around in your gut for nine months.  Everything gets boring eventually, so we try other things to spark a bit of inspiration.  Self-destruction can work at times, but there are better avenues.  (Perhaps the normal people who never finish stupid car projects know this, and it’s why they never finish–it’s subconscious intelligence I lack . . .)

One solution is being a Teamster truck driver; you can choose this because way back when, in college, you took the opportunity to build this skill, and it served your life (meaning wallet, not life) effectively.  This pursuit requires that one be available at any time of the day, all week long, to either drive a truck (18 wheels, yo) or move trailers in a yard with a thing called a yard goat.  Driving a yard goat for a couple of hours in the middle of the night results in two experiences:  chronic boredom and a great need to be somewhere else.  If you’re like me, it also results in a really pissed-off shoulder.  The truck puts you on a wrongly chosen residential street in Oakland in the middle of the night with a three-axle tractor and a 50-foot (grocery-specific) trailer where, oddly, people are actually nice enough to come out and move a car that’s parked at the end of the block (so as to avoid having the whole front of it run over by the aforementioned 50-foot trailer).  The truck can also put you on Donner Pass in the middle of the night with the need to chain two axles of big-rig tires while trying not to get killed by drunk assholes sliding their way up an icy I-80 to go boarding for the weekend; no, the reflective vest will not save you.  Once the basic thrill of difference has been exhausted, this job essentially makes you realize that you’ve made your life shit for the sake of boredom and some extra money.  The only recourse is to spend all of the money in a stupid way, then quit (not necessarily in that order).

Another avenue is more contract work that happens on the computer in the home office.  Your brain continues to reach new levels of capacity for repetition and tedium, then one day, you realize that you can’t make it past a normal office-person’s lunch period without a beer.  Is it a capacity limit, or is it just freedom going too far?  You tell yourself that if you just hold out a bit longer and get more work done, you’ll ride the mountain bike or figure out how to make a 315 fit in a fender designed for a 165.  No, you just have another beer and remember that the death wheel has no business in beer-addled hands–same is said for the mountain bike and trail rocks that approach you at beer speed (results in broken face).  Experience and practice provide answers, so yes, you’ve proven boredom via lack of mystery (with all fingers still available).

You’re tired of words because you’ve sold your soul to the devil in making the somewhat commercial use of them as your moneymaker–it was reasonable after eight years or so of college, during which time you wrote novels, studied novelists, and criticized words to no end.  Life costs you time, money, patience, and spirit, but it rewards you with nice property in the end, so long as you keep your mind and avoid heroin (and other comparable habits).  The thing is that words never go away, nor does the idea that if you approach them in the right dispassionate way, you just might be able to make a dollar from a certain kind of factory-like fiction writing.

Many moons ago in college, I heard James Ellroy (LA Confidential) say, in person, that he didn’t read fiction anymore.  I called bullshit, not believing at the time that a “real” writer could ever reach such a state.  Look around now.  What new fiction really strikes me more than once a year (20 or so years hence)?  Movies?  Nearly zilch.  The dude’s writing keeps on chugging.  Mine peaks around a tree, sees a large vulture called laziness or labor or pointlessness, and says fuck it.

Here’s what’s really fucked up:  Of all the labors I’ve pursued or stupidly agreed to over the years, none has provided the feeling of accomplishment that writing has.  Enter disease that costs no money.  Enter a person who could write smut with nearly no ego.  Yes, I’ve been batting this idea around for some time, but reality is finally landing on this bitch, I think . . .

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Film + The Novel = Dead

Okay, so I return to the blog and it seems like I’m saying the sky is falling.  The truth is that I really like fried chicken–it is in fact generally the only kind of food I think about, if I happen to think about food.  I don’t think about food much, but I do try to be entertained on a relatively regular basis, which leads us to the novel and the film/movie.  Frank Smathers, do not take offense here; I understand making a living.

Pretty much every time I’ve tried to watch a movie lately, it’s required way too much effort to be entertained.  I’m looking for character development and a story; if you have a plot, all the better, but I’m generally only looking for two out of three.  The primary component anymore seems to be recognition of a memorable brand/quality before all else, hence the unending reproduction of superhero and former TV shite.  No plot is needed; if you’re The Rock, who needs character?  You’re The Rock, and you’ve got bitchin’ artificial muscle and super-duper tats that pretend to demonstrate some sort of ethnic affiliation–that’s human identification if you’re anyone who’s ever been to a mall on Saturday.  If you’re playing Spiderman (or Spider-man, if you want to be super autentico), you just need some PJs and a decent workout regimen; youth helps, too.  Beyond this, it’s special effects and fake tits, and people seem generally satisfied.  Oh, wait.  No they don’t.  Most of the United States does not seem to be paying at the box office anymore, because, just maybe, we are tired of the shite, and the average YouTube dipstick who’s trying to impress you with the shit he just bought on credit is actually more appealing to the psyche . . .

Before moving forward with this rant, I have to address the novel.  Yes, you might say that “book” sales are at a new high because of the eBook and Amazon, but really, when was the last time you talked to someone outside of a college English department who could actually convince you that he’s read a book?  People buy eBooks because they are cheap and because they promise entertainment and enlightenment (if you’ve never read a book); Kindle Unlimited is basically Amazon’s device to figure out that nobody actually reads half or more of the eBooks that are bought/accumulated.  The reality is that if you ask the average 25-year old how many books he or she has read in a lifetime, the answer, with honesty added, is usually one or less.  High school is not where this happens and in college, well, you’re depending on a 75% part-time faculty to enforce and give a shit about the creation of basic literacy in ADULTS . . .  Nope.

The novel is too long, and really, so is the movie.  I hold out hope for the next James Bond effort, but its replacement, the Fast and Furious franchise, is just too stupid anymore (even for a mental car guy); the foreign financing and “quality” control has undoubtedly helped not at all.  This is how we wound up and were saved by the cable TV show.  At first, I bitched about True Detective, but that was only because I had to put it up against Banshee at first (Justified and so many others belong on a huge list that would really dwarf recent movie production, were such a list compiled).  Both were so good in contrast to most all film produced in the last decade in the U.S. that it’s become very clear that the episodic production is just the most desired format, and it’s also apparently the only place where there is a willingness to allow for (somewhat new) character development, plot, and story in the same place.  If we’re lucky, we also get good acting and production values.  The film is simply a refusal to invest in anything that is not Walmart or Amazon.  The (hard copy) novel, if you listen to the NY Times, is basically the same . . .

Let’s look at the novel.  The world only had an appetite for one Elmore Leonard; Stephen King is read by a female audience that does not care to diversify.  Fuck James Patterson–if you buy his shit, you probably wear a bib.  Aside from this, outside of TV production and the 10 or so pe0ple who have ruled the NY Times bestseller list for my entire life, there’s not much room given to a new or interesting voice; the lazy-ass audience doesn’t help.  In my old age, I am willing to admit (or complain) that there’s no point in a book that goes beyond 250 pages, but this is from someone who has read a few books.  Mostly, what’s bigger than this is just an editing failure, but I cliche (digress).  The novel is too long and really, so is the novella.  What does this leave our abbreviated attention spans?  We need more good instrumental music and something episodic that is the equivalent of the average (good) cable TV show, whether or not Kevin Spacey is involved.

What I’m doing here is arguing the value of story.  It is valued somewhere; in the book world, it’s essentially in the romance, specifically the erotica bent, as that one allows for human-like character development (rather than perfect firemen named Cole–no irony intended).  Yes, I’ve done research, and I know who Lauren Blakely is.  In the film world, it’s cable TV.  Secondarily, people who commute, who are some of the biggest “readers” in the world, require audio books, because the law does not allow them to read while driving . . .

Fuck.  And yes, TLDR.

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Modern Communication

So this is a blog.  It is officially an anachronism.  People say they read these days; maybe this is because they think it will make them sound smart or cultured.  Just don’t ask them what they’ve read.  The ingredients on a cereal box only result in TLDR.  The blog is an anachronism because reading is an anachronism, in both life and entertainment.  People think that education, much like entertainment, should be a passive endeavor.  Okay . . .

Modernly, if one’s thoughts are to be valued and appreciated by the masses or the few, they must be conveyed via video.  It is to be deemed entertaining to see how complete strangers have breakfast in their rented condo in Orlando.  You want to know, don’t you?  Are you that sad and lonely?  Fuck.  You don’t want a story.  You want to know what your neighbor does in the shower, and that’s as far as the imagination will allow.

Really, the fact that this jibber-jabber is being typed on an actual computer (laptop) is anachronistic, as people still seem to be fighting to sell the reality that tablets and cell phones are actually useful computing devices for standard jobs (like typing readable messages).  Where is your depth?  Oh, yeah, right–you wanted to know what strangers in Florida eat for breakfast, and whether or not they have the same milk-drooling problem with spoon-activated cereal ingestion as you.  What if they do?  Will you immediately post comments related to the fact that they must be related to you, and that you should be included in future vlogs?  You are insane and small.  Shut up, and stop posting comments on YouTube.

With more time wasted watching idiot crap on YouTube, I get dumber in a different way than I did in earlier years watching Highlander reruns at one in the morning.  Granted, Hoonigan videos are arguably sometimes more entertaining than another episode in which Duncan MacLeod is jerked off by lightning, but really, is a burnout in a car still a new thing after what, eight decades?  Swords and heads, I guess.

There you have it:  writing.  It’s for reals, no face required.  You don’t have the time.  Here’s a pic of what real idiocy results in:


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To continue sheetmetal hell, I have reached the point of Corvette invisibility on the inside of the Falcon.  Some people spend their time figuring out how to make more money, be in charge, take over territories, cure diseases, or other useful things.  I just burn metal . . .

dsc_0075 dsc_0077 dsc_0079

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Sheetmetal Hell

The Falcon needed some updating here, since I sullied the blog with so much other crap in semi-recent history.  The Ranchero moved to Tennessee, hopefully to a new owner who’s not too pissed off at my dumb ideas/executions.  I did get the Ranchero running and driving decently, so that was a valuable exercise in the whole wiring/computerizing area–nobody likes pictures of wires, though, so it won’t be seen here.

On to the Chevy that Ford never made, but with some clarifications.  The interior is intended to resist twisting in the body, for the betterment of suspension functionality and tire contact with the ground.  What this means is that when you see the tubing in the transmission tunnel (backbone) and the firewalls (front and rear), it is there to provide torsional rigidity; much of the tubing in the rear firewall area (not shown now, but later) is actually only there to lay panels on, but there is some resistance functionality present as well.  This approach makes the panel work somewhat easier, but then again, not so much.  Much of the (firewall and backbone) tubing is very light, .065 to .095, so what you’re looking at is not a tank in the making.  There’s a good month in this shite.

Pictures will show brake mounting place (3/16 plate for dual Wilwood masters/pedal), some steering gear mounting (part of which is temporary–the donkey dick), seat mounting structure, more tubes, and obvious sheetmetal.  Yes, I mounted the lower steering bearing to a 2×3 tube.  It’s flippin’ sweet, especially since there’s barely any angle to the rack.  There’s also an exhaust mid-section welded up in there (3-inch single from two 2.5″ pipes off the headers).  There’s more to come . . .

int1 fseat1fseat3int2fseat2 int3 int4 int5 int6 floor1 floor2 floor3 floor4

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Lumberjack Motherfucker

There was inspiration in the air when I grabbed my semi-new Fiskars splitting axe earlier this afternoon.  In your hand, the thing’s like lightweight dynamite, or maybe a Glock .40 after you’re used to two-handing an S&W .44 mag for years on the range (whatever yours may be).  It’s all murdered out, just like the early Glocks, and it’s full of plastic, so you know it’s modern.  On that note, the Harbor Freight maul I’ve been sweating the last couple of years also has a plastic handle; it’s anything but light, but has been perfectly serviceable (I even bought a new one as a back-up:  H-F Maul.).  The banana yellow-handled maul was designed to give you some kind of sasquatch-level tennis elbow, at best . . .


I’m not really sure how I came across this thing a few weeks back–I suppose I was just wasting time on the internet, and there it was.  I had to see it, feel it, swing it around in an aisle at Lowe’s . . .  I proceeded to read reams of hyped posts of confirmation (in the thousands) on Amazon, then found that people actually post shitloads of wood-chopping related videos on YouTube, some of which are both weird and surprisingly entertaining.

So once I managed to check one of these things out, I went to Lowe’s, where they had one for about $55.00.  I almost ordered one off Amazon, but with tools, much like with shoes, you really should put your hands on the thing before you pull the trigger, no metaphors intended.  Upon physical examination, I found that the axe was made in Finland; plastic or not, I tend to trust anything that is made or even designed in Scandinavia.  That place is teaming with crazy engineers, and their education system makes that of the U.S. look like perpetual pre-school.  So there was cred right there on the handle . . .

Compared to the maul, this thing is super-light.  When you pick the axe up (yes, I’m using the fucking “e”), especially once you’ve spent some quality time swinging an 8-10 pound maul, the axe feels like a tennis racket (racquet?).  What’s more important is this:  Everybody who’s bought one of these things says it splits as good or better than a maul.  That’s like being able to shoot .50 caliber bullets with an AR-15 (shoots .22 derivatives–light weight).  This is fucking efficiency through engineering, one point of which is a super-sharp blade (with which one should very carefully avoid hitting dirt, rocks, and shins).

This thing is worth it.  I will say no more, as unlike the people who post on, I do not chop two cords of wood per day (or year, for that matter).  If I did, I’m pretty sure I’d hate my life with great passion.

Spending money on a good tool is like a revelation, every single time.




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