Oprah, please take your billions, your Lance, your Tom Cruise, and just go away.

Oprah, thank you for taking the time to again pretend to be the moral media.  Your efforts in bringing the “right” side out of the greatest celebrities in the world will never cease to . . . help you continue to have the show that you retired from…

Did you forget James Frey, that “bright shiny” dipshit you helped to turn into a media sensation and a marketing goldmine, the guy who publishes and apparently sells illiterate crap, whether it was a memoir, fiction, or a lie from the publishing company?  Oprah, aren’t you a lie from a publishing company?  Aren’t you taller than Tom Cruise?

Oprah, you are providing reason for those of us who remember your beginning, when you were called “windbag.”  By thrusting Lance Armstrong down the throats of all major and minor media, as though the world really needs to hear what he has to say, it is just too chronically obvious that he’s many things that have always served to add value to your empire (and ego) over the years:

1.  Great White Male

2.  Rich White Male

3.  Attractive White Male

4.  Conflicted Great White Male

5.  Relatively Harmless (could own a house in Santa Barbara/Montecito, and actually fit in nicely)

So, we have Lance, trying to appear as though there’s a conflict.  What’s the conflict, Oprah?  Pro cyclists dope–that’s the way it’s been since you were born.  It’s the way it still is, and it’s unfortunately the main reason, outside of Lance, that the general public has given any tiny bit of a crap about pro cycling.  But that’s not the point here, nor is it your interest, windbag.  Your interest is the Great White Rich Attractive Conflicted celebrity that is Lance, who was once married to Sheryl Crow (yippie–purported in the media to be a Great White Female).  You merely pretend that your verbal vomit has a point in the real world, other than selling you, your organization, and of course, Lance, who most surely needs money, as his 100 million must really be burning up these days.

Oprah, please tell us why it is that you find it necessary to promote these people.  Can you not just take up fishing, knitting, using $100.00 bills as paper machet (no, I will not spell it correctly), or adopting foreign kids?  It’s really too bad that you can’t buy people Saturns anymore (since they no longer exist)–oh wait, was that a scam too?  Surely not you, Oprah; your mission is to inform the world, through every freaking channel out there, of what’s really important, like whether or not Lance Armstrong is a liar.  Maybe, if we’re lucky, you can have a fake intervention, wherein you do something helpful like ask Lindsay Lohan why she won’t get her shit together.

You’re full of crap, Oprah, and what you’re doing is pathetic.  Just stop, apologize to the world, and go away.  You only have credibility in the minds of the millions who know nothing of what you do or how your guests live.  Worse yet, you’re giving the fucking postal service ammunition for turning attention away from their own monumental failures.

Oprah, perhaps one day you’ll turn your attention, massive resources, and monumental power to a real issue; consider little ones, like the unpopular adoption of American kids, the main, basic causes of obesity (your bitch Oz should know something here), why cancer keeps growing, or why doctors are allowed to be roving prescription factories.  Until then, please shut your cakehole, and stop helping people like Lance Armstrong make another million to give to his lawyers.

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