I’ve decided to hire myself out as a life coach. It seems to be up my alley, since I do not find the point in bullshitting people, unless I’m paid to do so. This is the brilliant thing about being a life coach, however; people think they’re paying you to honestly guide them to the path of enlightenment. I can do this, just like Dr. Phil. (I do sincerely hope that use of his name is permitted, without any sort of copyright issues, as I can’t afford to compete with his lawyers, or Oprah’s for that matter.)
Here’s the Dr. Phil answer to most of life’s problems (which I generally agree with): Don’t do that!
Examples of questions to which the perfect answer applies:
Why do I keep getting DUIs?
Why do I have so many STDs?
How do I stop smoking crack?
Why do I hate my job at the DMV so much?
Why must I be a secret eater to maintain my immense bodyweight?
Why does my boyfriend/girlfriend/undecided-gender partner keep beating the snot out of me?
See the theme here? For most, the solution is simple, as Dr. Phil is paid millions of dollars to point out on a daily basis. I’d post a picture (of Dr. Phil), but I’m afraid of being sued for the pennies I have. At any rate, you can guess the answers to the above questions. If you must, you may hire me to answer them for you. I’ll charge an introductory rate of $100.00 an hour, which is cheap, because I only have a master’s degree from a state college. If you prefer bullshit answers to the quandaries life throws your way, I will charge more, as creativity garners a premium in any industry.
I do have better hair than Dr. Phil, but it’s still not great. You know what I’ve done to cope with this reality (of disagreeable hair) throughout my life? Cut it.
So here it is: Be the best you by asking me how. I accept cash deliveries, and as you can see by reading other posts on this blog, I can provide an in-depth explanation (unlike the much higher-cost Dr. Phil), if you like.