Coilover = Boilover

Your pro-touring coilovers in the rear just look stupid.  Let’s think about the packaging here for a minute:  Originally, your tube shocks hung maybe an inch below your axle tubes, and that was mostly just the stud at the bottom.  Now, with your dumb coilovers, which required a new bracket across your sheetmetal frame rails, you’ve got those things hanging down like four or five inches below your axle tubes, just because nobody could sell a design that pushed the upper mounting points through the trunk, as they should be.  Hanging low does not clue people in to your awesome chrome springs–it lets them focus on your shitty suspension design!  You probably also now have far less suspension travel than your original design provided; better still, you’ll now have squirrel parts, beer cans, and shopping bags stuck in your awesome rear suspension all the time…

What have you gained?  Well, number one is of course what you think are neat looks.  You’ve got some painted tubes back there now, and you’ve got the aforementioned coilovers, which might actually have shocks inside that will last longer than six months under average daily usage.  You’ve also got some reduced axle wrap under drag racing acceleration, and you’ve got what may also be better lateral axle location, as a result of a panhard bar or a watts link.  You paid a lot of money to make your car look neat, but is it any better?

If you could weld, you could have bought a panhard bar for 60 or 70 bucks from  It works just as well with leafs or airbags as it does with a goofy four or three-link set up.  You could have bought some new leaf springs that didn’t suck, and were curved at the right angle for a decent ride height.  Then, you could have bought some good shocks, although stiffness is not for the back end.  Leaf spring wrap can be controlled in many ways, without resorting to linkage that really isn’t much more modern than leaf springs anymore…  They had this dialed pretty well in the 1960s–it was the tires that sucked.

Here’s our final point:  Why can’t you just admit that you did all this crap just to mount big-ass tires that probably cost as much as your super-neat latemodel engine?  It’s okay; just don’t pretend that you care, or that your archaic pro-touring (it’s really just old pro-street stuff) design is “modern” in any way, so as to improve the handling abilities of your old-ass car.  It’s marketing, and you’re buying it.  Now if you made the stuff yourself, you deserve awards, and should at least be governor of your state, so long as your coilovers don’t hang down like a couple of giant axle hemorrhoids…


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